Whod you bang
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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