hotel room ftw
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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