I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Someone came in the potted fern
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
