I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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