i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
