Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
