I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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