i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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