he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
