The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Randomize
