my mouth tastes like poor choices
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
