Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
