Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
