Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
