I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
