i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
