he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
