Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
