We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
