I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
