just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
