She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
