So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
