non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
