I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
