i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
