I am in a vortex of obligation.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
