I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
