I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
