1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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