Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Randomize
