someone threw a dead crab at me
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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