textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
