I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
