I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
