your thong is hanging out like whoa
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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