just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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