Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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