If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
