I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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