you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
