I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
