2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I had to cum in my sink.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
