It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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