i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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