I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm like, not good at living.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
