Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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