How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
