I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
