FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
