God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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