i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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