zippers are such a cool invention
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
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They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
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And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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