shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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