bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
