When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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