The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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